It Still Hurts - Be Real - Just Smile

As you can tell by the title of this post I couldn’t figure out which one to choose, so I decided to use all three. When one desires children/struggling with infertility you never know what will hit you! What seems to not affect you one day can overwhelm you the next. One thing is for sure it is an uninvited, unwelcomed guest, showing up when you least expect it!

For me, since I’ve been dealing with this for so long and listening to countless other women share their stories, I’ve felt I have matured and have grown stronger in my emotions. Well, so I thought. I wanted to share what took place, a reflection of what happened within a 24-hour period. So whoever is reading this will know that they are not alone.

It Still Hurts

Along with my small business, I’m also a part-time manager for Ronald McDonald House (RMH) -Houston in the Texas Medical Center. RMH is an international non-profit organization providing ‘a home away for home’ for families who have critically or terminally ill children. I love my job! I find it a privilege serving new moms and weary families looking for a place to lay their head. I’m around women who’ve just had a baby all the time, so usually it doesn’t bother me. However, on this particular day it was overwhelming!

As I was walking through the hospital corridor I could see a new mother being transported to her car, a new babe in her arms. The cart was overflowing with balloons and flowers celebrating the birth. As I looked intently (trying not to stare) I thought to myself 'I wonder what that feels like? To have a baby and to know you are going home with one?' I walked away. I thought to myself 'I am not going to get upset.' I began to pray silently within my heart, 'I thank you God you have not forgotten me, that you love me and you know the desires of my heart.'

Later on in the evening a new family was checking in. Such a sweet couple! There was something so different about them. They said, “Oh! We are adopting! Our baby girl was born yesterday and we’ll be taking her home tomorrow!” Their news touched my heart; I congratulated them and was genuinely happy for them. Yet when they left my desk, I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. Tears welled up in my eyes. Thinking to myself, 'I should be over this, how come this still hurts?'

Be Real

I began to feel the flow of tears. I excused myself and went into the office next door and shut the door behind me. The office has a glass front door, yet there were no lights on except in the credenza. As I faced away from the door, I began to weep quietly. I could not control these unexpected emotions. I heard people talking right outside the glass-front door; they were standing right in front of it! So I knelt down and quickly ‘hid’ behind the desk. Yep, I AM A MIGHTY WOMAN OF GOD! Can’t you tell? (You’re probably laughing at me, it’s Ok I laughed at myself). Yet this humbled, kneeling state, again brought me to my Savior.

Being real with Him, I implored His help, asking the God of all comfort to comfort me. He cocooned me with His love, helped me through the remainder of my day and into the arms of a loving, caring husband.

Just Smile

The next day was unexpected. I received news my mother had to go into the hospital. With my Dad being home on hospice care, my help was needed, in which I am glad to be there for my parents, they are always there for me. As she received surgery in the late evening I went to get a bite to eat. I was starving! As I returned to the waiting room, a group of about twenty-five people were standing at the elevator (lift). A Lamaze birthing class just ended full of men and very pregnant women!

I saw them and I let out a big sigh!

There was no way to avoid them, no other means of escape! There was only one set of elevators to use. So as I waited I thought to myself and prayed, 'God! Why? After yesterday’s emotional roller coaster and today’s events with my mom…I don’t need this!' Well, the elevator door opened, they all crammed in there, I entered last. I turned to face the elevator doors, as they were talking about impending labor pain, their due dates and the birthing rooms.

I just shook my head.

I thought to myself, 'Well, at least I am the skinniest one in here.'

I smiled and chuckled to myself. I thought, “God, I really don’t understand your sense of humor.”

Some days it still hurts, but you’ve got to get real with yourself. The emotions you feel are valid and there is nothing wrong with you. For the longest, you might be doing well and all of sudden out of nowhere the uninvited, unwelcomed guest comes. It is not that you embrace it; you just get real before your Heavenly Father and escort this unwelcomed, uninvited guest of infertility to Him. Even in an elevator stuffed with pregnant women, some days you just have to smile, believing He loves and cares for you so very much.

So hang in there! I’m hanging in there too!

Lesli

Monday Morning Prayer

SHAME GUILT CONDEMNATION

“Heavenly Father, I thank You that You have given your Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for all my sins; past, present and future. Father, I draw near to You with a sincere heart in confidence, believing that I have been cleansed from a guilty conscience. My fertility challenges have caused me to feel as if I am wearing a cloak of shame, guilt, and condemnation, but I choose to put on your royal robe of righteousness which You graciously give. As I place my trust in you, knowing that I am your child, I praise You, that I will never be condemned or put to shame.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Isaiah 61:10, Psalm 25:2, 32:5, Romans 8:1-2, 10:11, Hebrews 10:22

There's a Rooster in the Hen House

Well, if you read the recent Fertility Fact Friday then you will gather why I posted those particular acronyms. For the devotional below, I have transposed the medical acronyms into spiritual acronyms. I must say a God-given idea! I pray they will point you to Christ, His Word and prayer.

Through this 'test' of infertility God has written a testimony through my life, and still continues to do so. His faithfulness to me through my endless doubting and questions to Him have brought me such great comfort. So, it is through my experiences and writing on this blog (and the website, www.dancinguponbarrenland.com) that I hope to portray a loving, caring God who has not forsaken His daughters.

So what you'll read below is how it all got started! As you notice it all began in a Bible Study with my close girlfriends. We've been hanging together for a long time! The picture above was taken awhile back. I'm sure I'll here a complaint from one of them about posting this picture.

I'll just mention that when they have their own blog, then they can post whatever picture they want. (smiles)

Telling the truth...that's what friends are for, right?

Have a great weekend!

Lesli

Present Mental State – PMS Journal your present thoughts.

Living Hope – LH

“There’s a Rooster in the Hen House!” interesting you may think, what a funny title for a Devotional post about one woman’s spiritual journey through infertility. But, it’s a sure thing! It all began at a ‘Hen House’ meeting, amongst my girlfriends. There was a surprise visitor and it wasn’t just another hen or chick, it was the rooster himself!

Before this particular meeting, I would have days where I asked the infamous questions “What am I here for? “What is my purpose in life?” Most likely you have asked similar questions at one time or another. These questions were coupled with such intensity that I would label them ‘crash days’. Nothing or no one could satisfy the deep cavernous ache within. Not realizing that the childhood dream of becoming a mother was buried deep down inside me, only to be unearthed by one simple question.

In December 1997, my husband and I had just moved into our new home. A dream come true! For years my close girlfriends and I would always be involved in some sort of small group Bible study together. Each new study opened our minds and hearts about God and His Kingdom. However, I didn’t know this particular Bible Study would prove to be a turning point in my life. For the most part, we would study the Bible, eat, pray...then eat some more! Our time together afforded the opportunity to try out new recipes, to be filled physically and spiritually.

Over the years we have dubbed ourselves, “THE PeePs”. Of course, a peep is the sound you hear when baby chicks come together, like a bunch of girls coming together. This time around, at my Hen House, on what we consider a cold day in Southeast Texas (sixty degrees), I was leading the Bible Study titled The Mind of Christ, by Henry Blackaby. In one particular chapter there was a question proposed to us: ‘What are the five desires of your heart?’ I proceeded to make my list quickly. After reviewing what I had written I noticed about four out of the five desires were for my husband, only one for me.

In the Bible, God uses His creation to get our attention, just like he used the rooster to crow to indicate to Peter his denial of Christ, a donkey to speak to Balaam and a raven to feed Elijah. For me, figuratively speaking, it was at this Bible Study that the rooster appeared! God Himself! He pecked my heart, not an intended wound, but a light tap. His presence created a tug upon my heart, a strong stirring to begin to pray for the God-intended purpose for my life. Little did I know what was to happen in the coming month.

Now, I write symbolically to portray and give you a visual picture of the setting that I was in, but also, I write in reverence to my Heavenly Father, God. As you will see throughout the forthcoming posts I will express very candidly and openly about my relationship with Christ. He is my friend, I talk to Him as I would my friends, but with a profound respect. I pray that He is your friend too!

My journey down this barren road may be different than yours. In fact, no two journeys’ of infertility are alike. We may not take the same path but our hearts carry the same feelings. There are those feelings of hopelessness, emptiness and a sense of being forgotten. I can say that mine has truly been a journey of faith along a dry, dusty road. Might I add, a very slow, wandering in the wilderness. However, throughout the many miles of the hard road I have traveled, He has stationed Himself along the way for me as the Rock to rest upon and Living Water that is quenching my parched soul and body. He extends His strong arms with nail scarred hands and lifts me to my feet, constantly filling me with joy, for the moment, which gives me strength for what lies ahead.

What about you? How are you making it? Infertility can be extremely difficult! Are you all alone? I know you may feel alone, but you don’t have to be. Let me introduce you to my friend, Jesus Christ, the Savior. The One who is faithful to walk with you and carry you through this barren land.

Faith is the Substance of things Hoped for - FSH A scripture to meditate or memorize. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

His Continued Grace – HCG A prayer for you. Perhaps you may not know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. If you don’t have an understanding of what salvation is then go to the About Page and click the Prayer of Salvation. I hope you’ll think about asking Him to come into your heart and become Lord over your life. If so, consider praying this prayer below.

"Dear Lord Jesus, I am a sinner and need your forgiveness. I ask that you will come into my heart, to be my Lord and Savior. I trust You with my life. Thank you for the forgiveness of my sins, and eternal life. I ask this in Your name, Amen."

Praise God – PG Take a moment to praise and thank Him for touching your heart.

If you prayed the prayer above, please feel free to contact me or leave a comment.

Fertility Fact Friday

Listed below are a few medical acronyms used in the infertility world. Upon initial testing your doctor will screen you for various hormones. Remember your regular obstetrician/gynecologist has only about 6 months of special training in infertility during medical school. So, if you have trouble conceiving, prayerfully consider scheduling an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a physician who specializes in issues involving the reproductive system.

There is a reason why I listed only a few here. By no means is this an exhaustive list! And, you're probably thinking what does PMS and PG have anything to do with? Just read the next post and you'll find out!

PMS - pre-menstrual syndrome
TTC - trying to conceive
LH - Luteinizing Hormone – an acute rise triggers ovulation
FSH - Follicle Stimulating Hormone – regulates the reproductive process and the production of eggs.
HCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin – hormone produced in pregnancy that is made right after conception
PG - pregnant

Monday Morning Prayer

WAITING

“Heavenly Father, waiting is extremely hard, especially when I see so many pregnant women and little children. As I wait on the desire of my heart, help me to delight myself in You, to be strong and of good courage, to not go ahead of your perfect plan. I praise and thank You, as I wait on You, that my strength is restored, so I can soar like an eagle. I choose to place my trust in You in waiting, believing You will answer me and refresh me along this fertility journey.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Psalm 37:4, Psalm 38:15, Psalm 130:5, Isaiah 40:31

"To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life."

Henri J. M. Nouwen

Let the quote above encourage you in your waiting...to wait with faith.

Fertility Fact Friday

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

Jeremiah 1:5

Today, here in the States, October 15th is declared Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. For those of you who have lost children whether it has been through a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death, I just want to say, "I am sorry for your loss, I feel for you." But not only I feel for you, the Lord Jesus Christ has great compassion for you. Reach up and out to Him, the true Comforter of your soul.

For Fertility Fact Friday, I thought I would list a few statistics and facts:

- A miscarriage is pregnancy loss that occurs prior to 20 weeks, before the fetus is able to survive outside its mother’s womb. This tragedy occurs in about 15 - 20% of pregnancies.

-Most miscarriages occur in the first trimester (12 weeks) of pregnancy.

-Some doctors believe that as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, because some losses occur before a woman realizes she is pregnant.

-A baby is stillborn if it dies between the twentieth week of pregnancy and the time of birth. www.modimes.org

Repeated Miscarriages -
-Fortunately, at least 85 percent of women who have had one miscarriage will go on to have a successful pregnancy the next time, as will as 75% of those who have experienced two or three losses.

-In about 25% of cases, the cause of repeated msicarriages cannot be found. However, couples in this situation should not lose hope: Even without treatment, about 60% of women with repeated miscarraiges eventually have a healthy pregnancy.
Losing You too Soon, by Bernadette Keagy.

^{If you have suffered from loss there is a helpful ministry I highly recommend, Sarah's Laughter. The leader, my friend Beth Forbus suffered from infertility, she ministers out of compassion for those who are desiring to become a 'mommy' or who have experienced loss. Last year she came to our support group at Lakewood Church, H.O.P.E. and led a memorial service for the women who lost children. Lives were touched, grief was lifted and hearts were healed. Please check out her website! She has many wonderful resources to aid you in your journey to motherhood or to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart from loss. www.sarahs-laughter.com}

^{If you've had a loss and would like to share how God helped you through it or if you can give another one reading this encouragement or a testimony how God has brought children to you, please leave a comment. Sharing our hearts helps one another!}

^{Praying for you today.}

Picture of the Day

"Some wandered in the wilderness in a solitary desert track; they found no city for habitation.

Hungry and thirsty, they fainted; their lives were near to being extinguished.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses.

He led them forth by the straight and right way, that they may go to a city where they could establish their homes.

Oh that men would praise and confess to the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men.

For He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry with good."

Pslam 107:4-9 Amplified

There are many attributes describing God. One could go on-and-on declaring who He is! My two favorites words are 'holy' and 'faithful'. Last year, my husband and I were vacationing in Montana, visiting Yellowstone National Park. (If you like to travel, a must-see on your list!) Leaving at 3:30 am to catch our flight back home, I saw this sign. It was pitch black, once again I said, "Larry stop! I need to take a picture of this sign!" The picture didn't turn out too well, so he 'photoshopped' if for me...I kind of like how it turned out.

Recently in reading a morning devotion the scripture above, for me, aptly fit the picture. On this barren road, one can feel parched; dry, thirsty and empty. But as we daily, come to Him expressing our troubles and longing, He continues to 'lead us forth on the straight and right way'. The Faithful Street. Also, as we continue to praise Him for His good works, (what we have been blessed with now), His goodness and lovingkindness He will fill our longing soul.

He continues to be FAITHFUL, can He be anything else?

Monday Morning Prayer

Favor

"God looks on me with favor, makes my life fruitful and increases me."

Leviticus 26:9

"The Lord is with me and shows me mercy, and He gives me favor."

Genesis 39:21

"Give your servant success today by granting me favor."

Nehemiah 1:11

"You surround me with favor as with a shield."

Psalm 5:2

"The Lord bestows favor and honor on me; no good thing does he withhold from me because my walk is blameless."

Psalm 84:11

Some days you just need 'favor', right? Think on the scriptures above and let it be your prayer today!

Fertility Fact Friday

For this Fertility Fact Friday we'll continue to look at how to honor God through the infertility process. These questions are taken from the book, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. A great resource for individuals and small groups. I highly recommended it.

Am I Honoring God, Part 2

Am I investing more time and effort into the pursuit of parenthood than into my relationship with God?

I am called to trust God to fully provide the resources for whatever path He leads me to follow. Am I being faithful in my financial obligations to God (tithes and offerings) and others (debt)? Am I envious of those who seem to have more resources and abilities to grow their families? (Financial issues of fertility challenges give new meaning to “We can’t afford to have kids.”)

Am I waiting on God’s perfect timing?

Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—.”

If this path ultimately leads to parenthood, can I explain to my child, without shame or secrecy, exactly how she joined our family?

Is it both acceptable and beneficial in God’s sight?

All different types of procedures and options may be presented to you, but it is important for you to pray and ask God if it is permissible for you. If God has not given you a peace about a particular procedure or plan, then wait. “Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial.” I Corinthians 6:12

Am I trying to force God’s hand?

Sometimes God gives us less than the best He desires for us because we BEG Him to do so, just as He conceded to the demands of Israel, see I Samuel 8:6-22. Other questions you can ask yourself: Am I trying to manipulate my way to a baby? Am I willing ot accept God’s best for my life, or do I want to be in the driver’s seat and demand what I perceive to be best?

The Finish Line

The picture above is a picture of my sister-in-law and friend, Dana at our in-law’s 50^th Wedding Anniversary.

Last October I was asked to join a team for the Race for Cure for Breast Cancer, an annual race presented in Houston by the Susan B. Komen Foundation. The team consisited of a group of gals who were friends of my late sister-in-law, Dana. It was their way of honoring her memory. She had recently left her earthly home for her heavenly home after a year long, intense battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC).

Through this infertility process, within my immediate family, besides my husband, Dana was my confidant. She was one I could easily talk to. With any treatment we were going through I could have her trust and with her quiet faith she was encouraging and non-judgmental.

I miss her so.

Now, returning to my story of the race.

I wasn’t alone in this Race for the Cure, I had my team as well as 35,000 other ‘racers’ slowly walking to the finish line. No one was moving very quickly. Since you couldn’t move quickly, you would notice on the backs of t-shirts or on little children’s wagons; pictures. Pictures of loved ones, their names, “In Memory of Mom or Grandma….”.

Oh, the grief! The race to me was like a slow funeral procession.

It was VERY HARD!

My thought was, infertility and it’s party is enough, NOW THIS?

I remember walking with my brother-in-law, Wes, her husband saying, “I don’t like this, all this grief.”

He put his arms around me and said, “Well, you know my mantra?”

I said “No, what?” He said, “I don’t care”. I know it’s a shock for some to hear “I don’t care”, but it was his brotherly way of caring for me and protecting my fragile emotions.

As we were nearing the finish line, amongst the sea of people, I could see someone holding up a sign. All it said was “IBC”. I knew what it meant, it stands for Inflammatory Breast Cancer, the same cancer that invaded Dana’s body.

My immediate thoughts were, ‘Is that my sister-in-law going ahead of me telling me she beat me? How dare her!’ Or was she inadvertently saying to me, “Keep going Lesli, you can beat infertility, don’t give up?” I can’t begin to explain the raging feelings on the inside of me.

As we came upon the actual finish line I kept hearing this loud voice, a lot of cheering and clapping, even though I couldn’t see what was going on. When we approached the line, there was a beautiful pink arch for the “Survivors” to go under, to be applauded and to announce the cancer they beat over a VERY LOUD P.A. system.

I saw the IBC sign go through it. I thought of Dana again and I wish she were going underneath the survivor’s arch.

I just stopped and stared at the women and men who were running through the arch. It was like time stood still. For weeks after the race I couldn’t get that picture out of my mind. It was if it was embedded on my brain for some reason.

I thought of these cancer survivors as a parallel or relational to infertility. As the survivors were running under the arch announcing the cancer they beat, it reminded me of the expectant ones announcing “I’m pregnant!” or “It’s Twins”, or “It’s a boy, It’s a girl!” over a VERY LOUD P.A. system!

While we watch from a distance.

Yet, when we watch from a distance, we stop. We aren’t moving. God wants us to keep moving forward. For our focus to be on Him, our feet directed toward the finish line.

In memory and honor of Dana today…I share these scriptures with you.

“Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:7

Keep the faith, run this race…the finish line is nearer than you think! I pray you are encouraged today!

With Christ’s love,

Lesli

P.S. Dana, I miss you. Can’t wait to see and embrace you in your Little House on the Prairie in heaven.

H.O.P.E. tonight!

For those of you who live in Houston, Texas or surrounding areas I personally invite you to H.O.P.E., Hearts Of Promise & Expectation for Women, tonight (thursday, Oct. 7) at 7 p.m. at Lakewood Church.

If you are a woman who is struggling with infertility, secondary infertility, multiple miscarriage or failed adoption attempts come and receive support! We are Christ-centered sharing the Word of God and His love to those silently suffering. The group is open to any faith or denomination, but for women only!

Make sure to check the blog periodically. I post a devotional from time to time, as well as Monday Morning Prayer and Fertility Fact Friday weekly.

My hopes for this blog is to bring spiritual inspiration as you travel down this barren road to your destination: Motherhood. Keep the faith!

Monday Morning Prayer

False

Expectation

Appearing

Real

Prayer for FEAR:

“Heavenly Father, as I seek You, You said that ‘You would answer me and deliver me from all my fears.’ I praise You that You are with me, that I have no need to feel discouraged or afraid for my future, or any fertility issues that may lay ahead. Thank you that You are my strength and my help. Bring peace to my troubled heart as You uphold me with Your righteous right hand.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Psalm 34:4, Isaiah 41:10, John 14:27 NAS